Harry Potter au where Harry didn’t lose being a parsletongue and Albus buys a snake as a pet one year because snakes are cool and one day just walks in on Harry and the snake having a deep conversation
Albus is 17 and loses his virginity in his room and forgets the snake talks to his dad and when Harry gets home the snake is all like OH MY GOSH YOU’D NEVER GUESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS WHAT HAPPENED
I lost the cap to a soda bottle
Then you’re fucking stupid. If you can’t drink a soda without a cap, then you’re fucking stupid.
LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE SHIT. I COULDN’T FIND THE CAP TO AN ALMOST FULL 2 LITER BOTTLE OF DIET COKE. I WASN’T ABOUT TO DRINK THE WHOLE GOD DAMN THING ON THE SPOT. I DONT EVEN LIKE DIET COKE THAT MUCH. IF I PUT IT IN THE FRIDGE IN THE BOTTLE IT WOULD HAVE GONE FLAT SO DONT FUCKING CALL ME STUPID I AM THE FUTURE
See this why you don’t live with white people
Outfits by:Tarun Tahiliani
why does tumblr always personify introversion as a tiny cute girl who drinks tea reads books and wears sweaters like i’m a 190 pound man who hangs out in the gym and in the woods doin manly shit but people still make me nervous like damn
my hand slipped.
OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I FUCKING LOVE THIS
5-22: Swan Song
I cry like a baby every freaking time.
"1. push yourself to get up before the rest of the world - start with 7am, then 6am, then 5:30am. go to the nearest hill with a big coat and a scarf and watch the sun rise.
2. push yourself to fall asleep earlier - start with 11pm, then 10pm, then 9pm. wake up in the morning feeling re-energized and comfortable.
3. get into the habit of cooking yourself a beautiful breakfast. fry tomatoes and mushrooms in real butter and garlic, fry an egg, slice up a fresh avocado and squirt way too much lemon on it. sit and eat it and do nothing else.
4. stretch. start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can, then trying to touch your toes. roll your head. stretch your fingers. stretch everything.
5. buy a 1L water bottle. start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice.
6. buy a beautiful diary and a beautiful black pen. write down everything you do, including dinner dates, appointments, assignments, coffees, what you need to do that day. no detail is too small.
7. strip your bed of your sheets and empty your underwear draw into the washing machine. put a massive scoop of scented fabric softener in there and wash. make your bed in full.
8. organise your room. fold all your clothes (and bag what you don’t want), clean your mirror, your laptop, vacuum the floor. light a beautiful candle.
9. have a luxurious shower with your favourite music playing. wash your hair, scrub your body, brush your teeth. lather your whole body in moisturiser, get familiar with the part between your toes, your inner thighs, the back of your neck.
10. push yourself to go for a walk. take your headphones, go to the beach and walk. smile at strangers walking the other way and be surprised how many smile back. bring your dog and observe the dog’s behaviour. realise you can learn from your dog.
11. message old friends with personal jokes. reminisce. suggest a catch up soon, even if you don’t follow through. push yourself to follow through.
13. think long and hard about what interests you. crime? sex? boarding school? long-forgotten romance etiquette? find a book about it and read it. there is a book about literally everything.
14. become the person you would ideally fall in love with. let cars merge into your lane when driving. pay double for parking tickets and leave a second one in the machine. stick your tongue out at babies. compliment people on their cute clothes. challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. then two. then a week. walk with a straight posture. look people in the eye. ask people about their story. talk to acquaintances so they become friends.
15. lie in the sunshine. daydream about the life you would lead if failure wasn’t a thing. open your eyes. take small steps to make it happen for you."
A self care list. I’ve been working on this. I promise it’s worth it.
This will never not be funny
I guess even shitty movies have to have a funny moment.
David enjoyed this way too much.
bucky who can’t quite seem to get over the fact he can pick up mjolnir even though it’s been a good three months since the first time he accidentally plucked it from the ground in avenger’s tower. the hammer itself always seems to be in the most random of places and bucky will…
Holy shit, this is the greatest
Okay, so, I’m running on the assumption that people are taking this seriously. If not, my bad.
THIS IS INCREDIBLY NOT WHAT HAPPENED
This woman’s name is Amy, and she owns a bakery/restaurant called Amy’s Baking Company. Not only do they serve the customers store-bought food under the pretense of it being gourmet and house-made, but they treat their customers absolutely terribly. This woman once chased two guys out of her restaurant because they had decided to leave after waiting 2 HOURS FOR THEIR FOOD. SHE WAS PISSED BECAUSE THEY DIDN’T PAY FOR IT. IT’S ALSO PROBABLY GOOD TO MENTION THAT SHE DOESN’T LET THE SERVERS HAVE TIPS, WHICH IF YOU’VE NEVER WORKED AT A RESTAURANT, MEANS THAT THEY GET PAYED FAR BELOW MINIMUM WAGE. AT THE TIME OF THE KITCHEN NIGHTMARES EPISODE, SHE AND HER HUSBAND OPENLY CONFESSED TO FIRING OVER A HUNDRED EMPLOYEES IN FIVE MONTHS. GORDON RAMSAY GAVE UP ON HER.
THIS WOMAN IS NOT A FEMINIST HERO
SHE IS A BATSHIT CRAZY FUCKING PSYCHOPATH
IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME, WATCH THE EPISODE ON YOUTUBE.
Ok sorry for commenting but this woman really is crazy. I went there once and she chewed mmy dad out for “being incredibly rude to her and her husband” and things along that linebuT THIS FUCKING WOMAN OK. SHE WAS YELLING AT HER EMPLOYEE TO WORK FASTER AND TO STOP BEING AN IDIOT AND SHE WAS TREATING THEM BADLY SO WHAT SOES MY DAD DO? HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS “STOP BEING A BITCH HE’S WORKING AS HARD AS HE CAN GIVEN THE WORKING CONDITIONS IN SCOTTSDALE OK?” AND SHE WENT OFF ON MY DAD BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT HE WAS BEING A DOUCHE AND NO, NO NO NO HELL NO HE WAS NOT. YOU DON’T PUT YOUR EMPLOYEES DOWN IN FRONT OF CUSTOMERS EVEN IF YOU’RE PISSED.
how can people actually believe this holy shit. Go watch the kitchen nightmares episode she is fucking psycho I swear to god.
Watch it here. LEARN HOW INSANE SHE IS. SHE IS HIDEOUS.
Welcome to Platform 9¾
1 / 4606
serenity, 15, multiple fandoms ~
"Their daring, nerve and chivalry
set Gryffindors apart"